Caring for a loved one with dementia is a profound act of compassion and love, yet it comes with unique challenges. Conversations can sometimes feel like walking on eggshells, especially when certain words or phrases elicit frustration, confusion, or sadness in someone affected by dementia.
When considering what not to say to someone with dementia, consider the impact of your words over your intention. Though minor corrections over their memory may seem helpful, it often leads to a range of hurt feelings on your loved one’s part. Instead, try speaking from a place where your words cultivate comfort and understanding.
The Impact of Language on Someone with Dementia
Words carry weight, shaped by our tone, context, and nonverbal cues, including body language. For someone with dementia, whose cognitive abilities may be impaired, words can feel sharper, heavier, or even disorienting. Their experience of the world is often already confusing, and the wrong phrase can deepen feelings of anxiety or insecurity.
This doesn’t mean you need to tiptoe around them. Instead, it’s about being deliberate and compassionate with your language. Your goal is to create an environment where they feel valued, understood, and safe, even if their memory or cognitive abilities aren’t functioning as they once did.
Understanding the impact of your words empowers you to build trust, reduce stress, and strengthen your bond with your loved one.
What to Avoid Saying to Someone with Dementia
Specific phrases, even when spoken with the best intentions, can inadvertently upset someone with dementia. These often include words or questions that highlight memory deficits or create feelings of inadequacy. Here are typical examples to avoid:
1. “Don’t You Remember?”
This question often triggers frustration or embarrassment because it highlights the memory loss they’re grappling with. Repeatedly reminding someone they’ve forgotten something can amplify their feelings of inadequacy.
2. “You Already Told Me That.”
It’s natural to hear the same story or statement multiple times from someone with dementia. Responding with statements like this may make them feel dismissed or self-conscious.
3. “You’re Wrong.”
Pointing out factual inaccuracies isn’t helpful and often leads to arguments or tension. Although the person’s perception of reality may differ from what you know to be true, correcting them won’t necessarily improve the situation.
4. “I Just Told You That.”
Telling someone they’ve already received information can provoke confusion or frustration. It highlights their struggle to retain new information.
5. “Why Can’t You Just…”
Phrases starting with “Why can’t you just…” often seem impatient or demanding, making the person with dementia feel misunderstood or overwhelmed.
6. “It’s Not That Difficult.”
A simple task to you may feel overwhelming, impossible, or confusing to someone with dementia. Dismissing their struggle can cause feelings of despair or frustration.
Avoiding these types of statements helps lay the groundwork for respectful, affirming, and compassionate communication.
What to Say Instead: Supporting Someone with Dementia
Instead of relying on the phrases above, try these alternatives, emphasizing acknowledgment, reassurance, and patience. While tone and body language are as important as words, the correct language can create a more calming and supportive interaction.
Use Gentle Prompts
Rather than asking, “Don’t you remember?”, reframe your approach by gently prompting them. For example:
“You used to love going to the park on Sunday afternoons, didn’t you?”
Validate Their Feelings
Acknowledge their emotions when they seem upset or confused, even if the situation doesn’t seem logical. Say something like:
“I can see why you’re feeling that way. It’s okay—I’m here with you.”
Acknowledge and Reassure
If they’re feeling unsure or anxious, offer words of reassurance:
“You’re safe here. Everything is fine, and I’m here to help.”
Create a Calm Space
Speak in a soothing tone and use simple, clear language. Try saying:
“That’s okay, we’ll figure it out together.”
By making subtle shifts in your responses, you can turn moments of potential tension into opportunities for reassurance and connection.
Promoting Positive Communication with a Person Living with Dementia
Creating a supportive and understanding environment doesn’t stop with verbal communication. It requires a mindful approach to how you interact in general and how you frame your surroundings. Here are ways to build a more supportive environment:
How to Create a Supportive Environment
- Minimize distractions: Turn off the TV or loud music when conversing.
- Stay present: Focus on them, make eye contact, and listen attentively.
- Simplify choices: Instead of open-ended questions, offer clear and simple options, such as “Would you like tea or water?”
How to Be Mindful of What You Say
- Slow down: Take your time when speaking, allowing them to process your words.
- Break it down: Use short, simple sentences that are easy to follow.
- Mind your tone: Remember, how you say something often matters as much as what you say. A gentle, kind tone can help calm even the most tense situations.
These practices promote positive communication and help create daily moments of connection, even amidst challenges.
How Memory Care Communities Support Families
For many families, a memory care community can provide the consistent support and expertise that a loved one with dementia needs. These communities are designed with safety, structure, and compassion in mind, offering specialized programs and care plans tailored to their needs.
Memory care professionals are trained to communicate effectively with people living with dementia, ensuring they feel not only supported but truly seen and loved. They also provide a sense of relief and peace of mind for families navigating the complexities of caregiving.
If you believe your loved one could benefit from memory care, consider reaching out to discuss the options available for your family.
Fostering Understanding & Connection
Caring for someone with dementia is an ongoing journey filled with learning, patience, and love. By choosing your words consciously and fostering a supportive environment, you help your loved one feel valued and understood.
Older adults with Alzheimer’s, dementia, or another form of memory impairment need a safe and comfortable place to call home. Providence Place provides this environment, supporting the needs of our residents and cultivating a unique and inclusive community. Contact us today to learn how we can help you and your loved one through personalized care and memory care solutions.
